Die Vampire, Die!

I've been fairly decent about posting updates at least once a month, and since I only have 1 and 1/24 days left in April (and I have been awful about it as of late), I figure what better day than the last day?

I, Christina Jones, am stuck.

I think that's the best way to describe my situation right now. A lot of really spectacular things have happened to me recently. I finally found a job working as a barista downtown. It's still a bit soul killing, but more on that later (a post in the near future). And, honestly, what day job for an actor isn't? But I'm thankful that I have a job and thus have more than $11 to my name. I also was offered to understudy for a show that my most recent director is working on. Paid gig and everything. So, I should be happy, right?

I...am? I'm grateful. I truly am. I'm just in their weird limbo of not really knowing what to do with myself. I'm living the full adult life of waking up, going to work, and coming home. Repeat x5. And I really hate myself for it. I keep reminding myself of all these goals and resolutions I set for myself at the beginning of the year, and I've been just meh with it all. And I just want to kick myself in the proverbial nuts about it.

Not speaking for all, but for some I know, it's a bum time right now. Theatres are finishing up their seasons and postings haven't gone out for next year's auditions. Acting classes are slim because of the summer break coming up. And not having any sort of show lined up is a bit terrifying, to say the least.

I'm finding it hard to stay motivated. To keep on keeping on. And what's funny, when talking with other people, I'm usually the biggest cheerleader for getting out there and getting shit done. I like finding auditions for other people or helping with monologue choices or whatever; yet, for some reason, I can't channel that toward my own career.

I know why. There are a bajillion reasons/excuses/whiny things that I tell myself.
I'm tired.
I don't have time.
I have work.
I just want to hang out.
I'm scared.
It's not worth it.
I can't do it.
I'm not right for it.
Why?

It pisses me off that I do it. I came here to do something; to be somebody; to be the best actor that I can possibly be. And the fact that I'm in a slump right now shouldn't stop the process. No matter how much that vampire keeps nagging at me.

Something's gotta change.

So, I may not be able to do much right now, but one of the biggest obstacles in my life is about to be officially addressed. This week I'm taking steps in the right direction to (hopefully) overcome a lifelong struggle. Sorry for the vague-y-ness. It's just a very old yet very open wound. BUT, I'm tackling it head on, which is all you can ask for.

Oh baby, you must escape 
and grab it by the nape 
of its neck, by the trachea
fuckin’ break it, 
go on drive a stake in, 
Yeah there’s no mistaking, 
now you’re shake and bakin’

Die, you motherfucking vamp